dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
