Your mouth is God's brothel.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize