me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can you bring me the toilet please
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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