We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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