mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
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To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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