She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
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How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
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The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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