I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
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I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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