a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
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doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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