I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize