Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My ATM looks so different sober.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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