dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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