Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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