I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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