Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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