I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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