at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize