life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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