i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
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Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
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Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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