Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
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Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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