how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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