I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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