It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize