i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize