the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize