So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
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Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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