How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
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Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
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Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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