i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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