dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize