Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize