Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
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You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize