i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize