If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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