My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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