When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
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I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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