I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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