it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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