I just gift wrapped bread.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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