if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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