Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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