tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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