Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize