everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Send help, water and tortillas.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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