just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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