Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
