What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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