Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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