I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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