seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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