puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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