totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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